A Very Large Expanse of Sea

“Food was a fixture in our home, and in Persian culture in general. Mealtimes were gathering moments, and my parents never allowed us to break this tradition, no matter how badly we wanted to watch something on TV or had somewhere else we wanted to be.” 

Shirin discusses the importance attached to family dinnertime. Her parents wait to start eating until she arrives several minutes late on the first day of afterschool breakdancing practice. She sees that Ocean is worriedly texting about getting science homework done, but she knows dinner with the family comes first.

“You really weren’t kidding […] About the breakdancing thing?” 

Ocean sees Shirin from the gym door; he is there for basketball practice, but she doesn’t yet know he is a star player. After several weeks of trying to talk with Shirin in biology class, Ocean is surprised to see her with the breakdancing crew after school. Shirin is “perplexed” by his interest.

“It would be so much better to be called a b-girl, a breakdancer, than the Girl Who Wore That Thing on Her Head.”

In October, just before she sees the breakdancing battle, Shirin reflects that breakdancing can help change her identity. She, Navid, and the rest of the crew are optimistic that they can someday join battles and compete against other crews. This line foreshadows the change in others’ perception of Shirin after the talent show, where she proves herself as a skilled breakdancer; ironically, she will find their newfound esteem for her hypocritical.

“This isn’t normal. Guys like you don’t talk to girls like me.”

Shirin says this to Ocean in the IHOP restaurant when they skip class. She is “freaking out” over her own attraction to Ocean and his kindness to her. About to walk out, she says he should stop trying to befriend her out of pity, but he insists that he finds her interesting and “beautiful.” Shirin stays.

“Because you’re crazy intimidating. And you don’t even see it. You don’t look at people, you don’t talk to people, you don’t seem to care about anything most kids are obsessed with.”

Returning to school after IHOP, Ocean tries to explain to Shirin why some people find her interesting. He allows that some can be “horrible” but hints that others look at Shirin because she is fierce and beautiful. He alludes to basketball when remarking about others’ interests, but she does not yet know he plays.

“You can’t be angry all the time. Trust me […] I’ve tried that. It’ll kill you.”

After hearing from Ocean that others find her intimidating, Shirin hears a similar sentiment echoed by Carlos, Bijan, and Jacobi, who tell her that she sometimes seems “scary” and “mean.” Shirin defends herself by pointing out how she deals with cruel and insulting comments daily; Jacobi tells her that while those feelings are sometimes warranted, not everyone deserves her wrath. In this line of dialogue, Jacobi alludes to his background with that kind of resentful anger, but he does not elaborate on his experiences.

“I could no longer distinguish people from monsters.”

Shirin reflects on the long-term effect of others’ intolerant views and comments. She recognizes that she grew used to her own angry distance from others over time. Jacobi’s remarks on that kind of detrimental anger prompt her reflection.

“I’m just—I’m sick and tired of trying to explain to the world why racism is bad, okay? Why is that my job?” 

Shirin tells Mr. Jordan how exhausting it is to deal with daily intolerance and ignorance. He listens and apologizes repeatedly for making an example of her in the exercise with Travis. Though Shirin wanted to drop the class, she agrees to give Mr. Jordan another chance.

“People I’d never met were suddenly accusing me of murder.”

After Navid recommends that she break it off with Ocean unless she genuinely likes him, Shirin faces the fact that any relationship with her is certain to hurt Ocean. Here, she reflects on the intense scrutiny and racism she experiences since the terrorist bombings of September 11 as an example of the differences between Ocean and herself, becoming convinced that a relationship with Ocean would never work. Although she told him that she would like to spend time together, Shirin decides not to call Ocean. 

“This was exactly what I hadn’t wanted.” 

Rumors spread quickly when others see Shirin and Ocean kissing in his car at lunch; the news reaches Navid, who tells Shirin that Ocean is a star varsity basketball player. She did not know of his popularity and assumed he was her age (he is in fact a junior).

“I understood too well what it was like to feel like you were defined by one superficial thing—to feel like you would never escape the box people had put you in. It felt like you were going to explode.”

In interior monologue, Shirin empathizes with Ocean when he explains how basketball dominates the way others view him. His skills once made his mother happy, but now that she does not show much concern about him, choosing instead to focus on her own social life, he believes that basketball is like a “parasite” that consumes his life. Shirin does not share with Ocean that she understands how he feels but does express sympathy about his mother’s behavior.

“You are a terrible role model for Muslim girls everywhere!”

Amna, an Indian girl, accosts Shirin at lunch the day after she and Ocean kiss in his car. Shirin initially believes Amna is joking, but Amna persists, saying Shirin is not allowed to kiss boys and that she does not deserve to wear a headscarf. Shirin tells Amna that she should not judge.

“But I’m going to worry about you, okay? I get to worry about you.”

On their first date alone, Ocean takes Shirin to the basketball court where he learned to play and explains he visits there to try to recall good feelings about the sport. Shirin shows empathy, indicating she understands that he cannot quit but points out that his friends, coach, and mother do not notice his true feelings. She adamantly says she will be the one to care about him in that regard.

“What would you do if I fell in love with you?”

Ocean says this to Shirin when Navid sneaks him to her bedroom for a few minutes of alone time on Thanksgiving Day. Shirin’s parents welcomed Ocean into their home, but they think he is just a friend. Ocean holds Shirin tightly, and as they stand in her room and kiss, both feel intensely attracted to one another. After Ocean asks this, he leaves for the evening.

“They’d wanted to take away the power I thought I had over my own body.” 

Shirin recounts the motivation of those who shared her photo, revealing her hair to everyone. Shirin feels painfully betrayed by this violation. It is notable that Navid and the boys on the crew, although sympathetic about the photo, react much more strongly upon hearing of the boy who threw the cinnamon roll in Shirin’s face. They leave practice at once to find and fight him.

“I couldn’t bear the weight of being the reason his life was derailed.”

After Coach Hart berates her, Shirin worries that she is not worth the trouble in Ocean’s life; now, after the car conversation with Ocean’s mother, she is certain. Shirin feels that she loses what little choice remains when Ocean’s mother tells her that no inheritance money exists for Ocean’s college tuition; Ocean does not realize he needs a basketball scholarship to ensure future success. Ironically, Ocean’s mother shares more truth with Shirin than with her own son.

“I saw you on the first day of school. I couldn’t believe you were brave enough to wear hijab here. No one else does.”

After winter break, Amna explains how she noticed Shirin early in the school year. Though Amna earlier said Shirin’s choice to kiss Ocean was shameful, Amna now approaches Shirin in kindness and commiseration, telling Shirin she is sorry others shared Shirin’s photo and esteeming Shirin’s courage. Shirin explains that she does feel brave but cannot condone removing her headscarf, as that would somehow show defeat.

“He didn’t say anything to me for the rest of the period.” 

Ocean attends bio class for the first time a full week into the start of school after winter break. Shirin realizes he skipped each day to avoid her. She tries to greet him, but he looks away and does not respond.

“After a few seconds, I let gravity pull me down, slowly, and I jumped back up again.”

Shirin performs a breakdancing move called a hollowback during her featured performance in the crew’s act in the talent show. Her performance excels; many in the school take notice, and her identity transforms in their eyes. This line works on a symbolic level as well; it suggests that Shirin has the stamina and fortitude to figuratively get back on her feet after allowing the weight of intolerance and misunderstanding to oppress her.

“It was more than confusing—it killed me to discover the depth of their spinelessness.”

Shirin is surprised and angry at her sudden acceptance in the eyes of others at school. She considers their motivation—that her performance in the talent show sparked an interest in her—to be trivial and shallow. She is amazed that the same students and teachers who made ignorant comments early in the year do not recall their behavior.

“And suddenly, I hoped he really had read these pages. Suddenly, I wished he would. I wished he knew.”

Shirin, initially mortified at the possibility that Ocean found and read her diary, realizes how relieving it would be if Ocean knew her true feelings about him and hopes here that he did indeed see how much she loves and misses him. She then discovers a rip on the page where she wrote about Coach Hart and Ocean’s mother, and she worries again in suspense, wondering how much of the full truth Ocean now knows.

“And I wasn’t sure I’d ever see Ocean again.”

Shirin has no opportunity to talk with Ocean after she finds the torn page. The next day, he hits Coach Hart, and school authorities remove him from school pending a complete expulsion. Shirin knows then that Ocean read in her diary the details of Coach Hart’s remarks to her.

“We broke apart, fighting to breathe, holding onto each other like we were drowning, like we’d been lost, left for dead in a very large expanse of sea.”

Ocean asks to see Shirin one morning before his expulsion hearing. They go to his home, apologize, and kiss. The emotions coursing through Shirin leave her gasping; this metaphor, delivered in Shirin’s interior monologue, shows her eloquence with words and connects the book’s title to her experiences.