Does My Head Look Big In This?

The repercussions of Amal’s actions in previous chapters (lying to her parents, organizing a secret dinner for Leila, and skipping school) echo through Chapters 37 and 38. Amal and her friends receive a week of detention, but her homeroom teacher’s decision not to report the breach of school rules to the principal indicates that he understands the pressure Amal experiences. The author paints a delicate scene between Amal and Mr. Pearse in which we see the teacher’s attempts to help, and Amal’s typically teenage reluctance to accept that any adult could understand her feelings and her difficulties. This underlines the usual idea teenagers have that the world of adults cannot grasp the issues and the drama the young go through, even though the logic dictates that all the adults must have passed through the same phases.

In Chapter 38, we learn that Leila has run away from home. The traumatic events surrounding her birthday and the subsequent arrival of a young Turkish-American man whom her mother sees as the perfect husband for Leila, combine to make Leila break away from her stifling home environment and set off into the unknown. Learning of Leila’s disappearance, Amal again reacts with anger: “Rage suddenly hammers through my head. ‘Why couldn’t you just leave her alone?’” (213). Amal still holds the self-righteous belief that despite her young age she knows what is best for Leila, and that Gulchin is the villain for treating her daughter so badly. Amal does not understand that she is behaving in the same way as Gulchin by prescribing what someone else should be doing.

In contrast to Amal’s behavior, Amal’s mother reacts with mature insight by telling Gulchin that she “should be proud of her” (214) for having an ambition to learn and advance. Even though this does not persuade Gulchin, the author implies that Amal’s parents understand there is a boundary that dictates how far we can involve ourselves in the lives of other families. Amal still does not understand that, but Gulchin’s parting words that question her rude behavior “suck the wind out of me” (215), making it clear to her for the first time that her explosive behavior might not be useful, productive, or decent.

The author makes sure that Amal reflects on her new understanding of her previous actions through positioning this part of the plot right before the month of Ramadan (Chapters 42-45). Ramadan is the ninth month of the Islamic calendar, celebrated by 30 days of fasting, prayer, contemplation, reciting of the Islamic holy book Qur’an, and spending time with family and community. Thus, Amal turns all her recent experiences inward and examines them for how she reacted, where she could be better and more understanding; this gives her a more mature perspective on both her and other people’s actions: It is her process of growing up.

The author further invites Amal’s deliberation on her behavior in Chapter 41, where we find a different Gulchin, a woman who misses her child terribly and suffers from the realization that her actions, meant to supply the best future for Leila, have caused her daughter distress. Even though Amal expects her to accuse her of insolence and is ready to respond, Gulchin surprises her into silence by saying, “You think my culture I just throw away? It is my culture. It is me. […] Are you wanting have no culture?” (227-28). Amal’s answer, that she can choose what she likes and reject what she does not illustrates the difference between the older and the younger generations, growing up in the contemporary world. Amal will have to appreciate that people before her did not have the freedoms that she enjoys, and that those people have largely won her the right to choose what she likes.

Finally, Amal understands, “I never gave myself the chance to see things from Leila’s mum’s perspective and to understand her fears” (229). This is a significant moment in Amal’s coming of age: She must not fight other people’s prejudices with prejudices of her own. If she demands understanding, she must show understanding. This message applies to her religious belief as well, and through Amal the author invites us readers to examine our own behavior and to learn to respect other people’s identities, their way of life and the choices they make, even when we do not agree with them. (This message is foreshadowed in Chapter 37, when Amal learns from Mrs. Vaselli that she has finally put aside her disapproval of her son’s choices and renewed contact with him.)

Chapters 39 and 40 again present us with two contrasting images. In the former, a fish and chip shop owner refuses to hire Amal because of her hijab, thus confirming her fears about her future prospects as a Muslim woman. In the latter, Amal and her friends win the interschool debate championship with Amal as the final speaker, and this boosts her belief that she can achieve whatever she sets out to because of her abilities and despite potential obstacles. The author positions these two diverging scenes together to accentuate that life is often composed of setbacks and successes in equal measure, and that it is the mark of a mature and confident person when he or she overcomes the difficulty and is not swayed by success. The two chapters symbolize the balance of forces in life that keep us grounded yet ambitious, and, for Amal, these situations help her understand what she wants to do in life (study science and law), and, even more importantly, that she will do her best to achieve her goals. Her choice of law is significant because we have witnessed her urge to right wrongs and fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. In that sense, being a lawyer will only highlight her best qualities. 

The novel ends with Amal excelling in her exams, thus confirming that the turbulent period she has experienced though the school year has not diminished her goals nor her ability to focus on what is important. The month of Ramadan also ends, commemorated with a festival that brings the whole community together in a celebration of life and enjoyment. Leila is back with her parents, and Gulchin’s realization of how stiflingly she had treated her daughter has led to reconciliation and an attempt to see beyond the personal (which parallels Amal’s journey, proving it is never too late to grow).

Amal waking on the last day of school with a zit is a symbolic reminder that even though the great turmoil of the past year has gone, there will always be things, no matter how little, that make us worry or fret. However, as her friends joke with her and not at her expense, Amal realizes that we should always put things into their proper perspective. The novel does not end with a classic resolution, as Amal’s inner conflict resolves itself not into a conclusion but into bigger and more important questions that have to do with her future life. Her year of wearing a hijab full time has taught her to appreciate other perspectives while seeking strength within herself, and she is ready for the next turbulent phase of her life.