Goodbye, Vitamin

“There were signs, I guess, I’d chosen to ignore. At parties, talking to another woman, Joel used to reach out to touch me lightly when I walked by, as if to say, Don’t worry, I still like you the best. I noticed when it stopped happening. I told myself that it wasn’t anything.”

Ruth is home with her parents again after a recent breakup with her ex-fiancé, Joel. Throughout the text, Ruth tries to understand the signs that she missed leading up to the breakup. Combing through memories to try and understand what happened, Ruth writes down this memory that only makes sense to her in hindsight. Joel’s sudden lack of reassurance while out at parties was only one sign that their relationship was on rocky ground, long before Joel sprung the breakup on her.

“I never liked New Year’s. The trouble with beginnings is that there’s no such thing. What’s a beginning but an arbitrary point of entry? You begin when you’re born, I guess, but it’s not like you know anything about that.”

Part of Ruth’s character is her unique perspective on things, which she records in her journal. This quote illustrates Ruth’s way of thinking about beginnings, and how she dislikes New Year’s because its promise of new beginnings rings false to her. To Ruth, a beginning is nothing more than an arbitrary point in time that people construct in order to make themselves feel better. Ruth feels that there is no such thing as a true beginning aside from birth, which she hesitates to even count because one can’t remember it.

“This is my mother, who once made all our meals from scratch: our sushi, our ketchup, our English muffins [...] This is my mother, now, who seems wary of everything–who seems to trust only juice and vitamins to do the least amount of harm.”

Ruth creates a picture of her mother, Annie, and what kind of person she is. While Ruth feels close to her father, she also harbors a deep love and admiration for her mother. Howard’s illness caused Annie to change. Whereas her mother was once the kind of person who made everything from scratch, she stopped cooking altogether and blames her use of aluminum pots and pans over the years for Howard’s illness. This quote illustrates the strain and pain that dementia causes not only in the patient but their loved ones. In Annie’s case, she blames herself and tries to compensate by only serving takeout and instituting a strict vitamin regimen.

“That’s the memory I would conjure whenever Linus would telephone to tell me what was going on, whenever Linus said, about our father, He’s a liar, and he’s a drunkard, and he’s a cheat. And I would listen, in silence, and comfort my brother, all the while thinking, No, that’s not possible. No, you’ve got it wrong.”

Ruth recalls a happy memory with her father when he took her to get french fries that they fed to hungry pigeons. Ruth explains that she recalled this memory every time Linus tried to convince her of their father’s many faults. Ruth learns throughout her year of living at home that people are incredibly complex; her father can be both the man that buys french fries for pigeons and the person with an alcohol addiction that hurts his wife and family despite his love for them. Ruth learns that both her memory and Linus’s lived reality can coexist, as painful as that might be.

“It was Linus who relayed the goings-on–how strained their relationship had become, how miserable my mother seemed, how helpless. He chose her side easily. The whole thing caught me by surprise–still surprises me. Anyway, the point is: Linus sees things differently.”

This quote illustrates the Subjectivity of Relationships and how each person experiences memories and relationships differently, even within the same family. This is especially true for Linus, who lived at home during the period when Howard’s infidelity and drinking became an untenable problem. This negatively affected Linus’s relationship with his father while bringing him closer to his mother, and also affected his decision to stay away from home after moving out. Ruth’s experience was different in that she lived outside of the home during that time, so she now has to reckon with the fallout years later.

“I wait and wait for his mood to change, but the birds never come, and the mood never changes.”

Ruth struggles to adjust to life at home when she first decides to stay. While her mother is at work and Howard locks himself in his office for most of the day, Ruth occupies herself by becoming attached to different projects around the house, specifically the bird feeders. All day, she watches the bird feeders to see if any birds arrive, while what she is really waiting for is to see whether her father’s mood will change and whether he will decide to come out of his office and spend time with her. The birds are a distraction from Ruth’s true anxieties about her father and this new dynamic between them.

“We never shared those wishes. We were scared that by sharing them, they wouldn’t come true. But now it occurs to me that if we’d divulged them to each other then, we’d be better able to remember them now: we’d have someone else to help with half the work of remembering.”

Ruth recalls throwing coins into the fountains with her best friend, Bonnie, as children. She remembers that they did not share their wishes with one another for fear that they would not come true, but she now regrets that choice because she can no longer remember what she wished for. This helps Ruth realize that memory does not exist within a single person, and it is important to have shared memories with those around her so they can co-construct memory together. Ruth realizes here that memory is not static or fixed, but a process of creation that endures longer if shared with someone else.

“I try not to make a habit of playing out the possibilities: if I’d finished college, I’d have been this or that, or something else. It’s a game I try not to play because it doesn’t end any way but the way that it does–the way that it has.”

This quote is another sign of how Ruth views life and the choices she made. While she often seeks to understand the present through the past, Ruth also acknowledges the futility of trying to predict how her life may have been if she made different choices. Ruth chose to leave college without finishing her four-year degree to follow Joel. While she regrets the decision, she explains her reasoning for not ruminating on it: She already made her choice, and she cannot change the outcome. This mode of thinking serves Ruth well as she navigates life at home with her father, whose own misguided choices have long-lasting impacts on their family. Ruth is better able to approach the twists and turns of life with her father and remains flexible in her approach to her year at home.

“This is how calibrated my happiness has become to him: I’m happy all night.”

Ruth is thrilled after making dinner for Howard, which he eats with her in the kitchen. Cobbling together a meal from leftover pantry items with a limited cookware supply, Ruth serves pasta with an almond tomato sauce. This meal marks the beginning of Ruth’s interest in cooking as a way to connect with her father and take care of him. She begins researching ingredients and recipes that are healthy and promote memory retention. This quote also illustrates the deep connection Ruth has with her father and her desire to be close to him and earn his approval. When the meal goes well and he pats her on the shoulder as he leaves the kitchen, Ruth feels elation that lingers throughout the night.

“It’s too much rosemary, and it’s really not good. What I will remember, I realize, is this failure.”

After reading that rosemary is good for memory, Ruth goes overboard and adds rosemary to every part of the meal. When it turns out to be too much and “really not good,” Ruth feels defeated and guilty. She writes that the thing she will remember most from the experience is “the failure,” which speaks to the pressure Ruth puts on herself to help her father.

“I’m over it, swear to God. But sometimes a thing washes up out of nowhere–like an ancient candlestick from some wrecked ship.”

A recurring motif in the text is Ruth’s memories of her relationship with Joel, which ended in a broken engagement. Throughout the text, Ruth tries to figure out her feelings about the relationship, what made it end, and whether it was a good relationship to begin with. This quote shows that while Ruth feels mostly “over it,” there are times when memories resurface, triggered by some seemingly innocuous event, and she finds herself again questioning herself and the relationship. The simile Ruth employs here shows that, much like detritus from a shipwreck, memories will continue to surface as she continues to work through the healing process.

“Lately I’m more forgiving. I used to be very quick to judge the old men who don’t know that when you walk past them on the sidewalk where they’re sweeping leaves, they should stop sweeping. But now it occurs to me that maybe these old men have maladies–diseases that affect their manners–and should be pardoned.”

After spending a few months at home, Ruth begins to see a change in herself and her feelings toward others. After living with her father and learning about how to best interact with and care for him in his illness, Ruth begins to extend that same empathy and compassion toward others. She finds herself no longer assuming the worst about people but choosing a compassionate reaction to behaviors that would have previously bothered her.

“The phrase ‘born humans’ is what I think of whenever I see someone wildly different from me.”

This quote illustrates Ruth’s personality and character. As a sonogram technician, Ruth knows about fetal anatomy and development, specifically the differences between fetuses and people who have been born. She employs the phrase “born humans” as a way to connect with people with whom she might otherwise have nothing in common. Her use of this phrase shows Ruth’s basic desire to find connection with others, even if it is as basic as both being “born humans.”

“Last year they figured out how to implant memories in a piece of brain in a test tube. Which–whatever, is my feeling. Why don’t they figure out how to keep mice from forgetting things? We don’t need more memories. It’s hard enough to get a handle on the ones we’ve got.”

Ruth expresses her frustration with the progression of memory study and science. While she cites different examples of experiments conducted on mice and their memories, she is frustrated to find that science is not looking into how to “keep mice from forgetting things” in the first place. She wishes that there was more energy put towards finding a cure for memory loss and dementia, pointing out that this kind of research and study would be more beneficial to people than implanting false memories into someone’s brain. It is already difficult to hold onto the memories that we have, especially when facing a disease like Alzheimer’s.

“This is why I so seldom visited. I didn’t want Linus’s claims confirmed. I wanted to preserve my memory of my perfect father. I didn’t want to know the many ways he’d hurt my mother. I didn’t want to have to pick sides. Unlike my brother, I wouldn’t have been able to do it as easily.”

During an argument, Ruth’s mother why she never visited during the past four years. Ruth does not respond but knows her true answer: She admits in her diary that she never visited because it was too difficult for her to face the truth about her family’s struggles in the face of her father’s infidelity and drinking. Not only would it have been difficult for her to see how her father hurt her mother, but she also admits that it would not have been easy for her to “pick sides” like it was for Linus. Linus is staunchly on their mother’s side, witnessing firsthand the many ways in which Howard hurt Annie, and Ruth knows that it would be much harder for her to accept that reality. Despite Howard’s many flaws, Ruth clings tightly to memories of Howard as being “perfect,” so much so that even seeing his transgressions don’t turn her against him despite her love for her mother.

“I know significance, more often than not, is invisible, imbued on things like saltshakers Joel and I stole from the overpriced French restaurant, or the toy from the vending machine, or some sad thing we found on the street and saved.”

Ruth snoops through Howard’s office trying to find evidence of his relationships with the physics professor and Joan. She feels she needs proof of her father’s mistakes in order to accept them as reality, but as she searches, she finds the endeavor increasingly futile. While her father’s office drawers are full of random items such as oatmeal packets and stress balls, Ruth acknowledges that she would not be able to name them as suggestive evidence anyway. She writes that humans imbue objects with meaning and that the objects themselves are inherently devoid of meaning. She recalls objects from her own life that would have no meaning had she not placed it on them. This realization frustrates Ruth, as it shows the existence of her father’s interior life that she will simply never be able to access. Even those we are closest to are fundamentally unknowable to us.

“‘I just met a pygmy goat. His name was Noah. Anyway’ –Joel pauses– ‘I don’t know why I called. I guess I thought you’d like that. I forgot that their pupils are kind of square.’”

Ruth misses a call from Joel and listens to his voice message. Ruth often wonders whether her relationship with Joel meant anything, or if it was worth it at all. Though the content of his message is quotidian, the fact that he called Ruth in the first place to relay an anecdote of something he thought she would like shows that he does still think of her. Joel could easily be the villain in this story because of his sudden breakup with Ruth, but she is careful not to characterize him as such. This scene illustrates the belief within the text that people can cause harm and act in ways that hurt others, but that they are not altogether bad.

“Linus hands Dad a small wrapped package. It’s a crossword puzzle book. ‘Keep me sharp?’ Dad laughs. Linus bristles. ‘If you don’t want it, I’ll take it,’ he says, hurt. ‘I don’t care.’ ‘Hang on,’ I say, running upstairs to get my pencil with the orange eraser. I hand it to Dad. ‘For the crosswords,’ I say.”

This quote is an example of the uneasy dynamic in Ruth’s family as they all find themselves back under one roof. Upon returning home, Linus struggles to reacclimate to life with his father. Still holding on to resentment, Linus is in defense mode and is reactive when Howard tries to make a joke about the crossword puzzle book gift. Ruth begins playing peacekeeper and mediator, trying to keep everyone happy. The family continues to struggle until they find a way forward together in supporting Howard through his illness.

“This, I don’t know how to answer. Truthfully? I didn’t want to see you suffering. I didn’t want my fears confirmed. It was less terrifying this way: not helping you, not saving you, just leaving you all alone.”

Ruth’s mother asks her why she stayed away from home for so long. Ruth does not answer her mother, but in her journal writes that she could not bear to see her mother in pain, which would confirm her fears about her father’s character. Ruth feels guilty about her decision to not help or save her mother, rather “leaving [her] all alone,” but acknowledges that for her it was the lesser of two “terrifying” options. Her other option would be to confront the pain her father caused the family, which would shatter her lifelong belief in her father’s perfection.

“It’s always this: someone on one side of a door, someone on the other.”

After Annie discovers Howard’s flirtation with his student, Joan, Annie makes him sleep on the couch. Because of his illness, Howard is confused and does not understand why Annie is suddenly ignoring him. He bangs on the door, but she ignores him. Ruth sees this challenging dynamic between her parents and makes the analogy that her parents are physically and metaphorically on “opposite sides” of the door, unable to reach one another through Howard’s illness and the pain that exists between them.

“What imperfect carriers of love we are, and what imperfect givers. That the reasons we can care for one another can have nothing to do with the person cared for. That it has only to do with who we were around that person–what we felt about that person.”

Ruth reflects on the nature of love and its challenges. She argues that love is ultimately a selfish act carried out, imperfectly, by imperfect people. Rather than loving someone for who they are, Ruth believes that we love others because of how we feel about them, and because of who we become around them. Ruth thinks about this in terms of her relationship with her mother, feeling guilty for being unable to hate her father despite the pain he has caused her mother. Ruth worries that her mother, now shutting herself away from Howard and the rest of the family after his second infidelity comes to light, gave away too much of herself to an undeserving and imperfect family.

“What I want to know is what counted for something and what counted not at all. Now I feel like a shit for spending that time–that’s the word it’s convention to use: spending–on what turns out not to matter, and neglecting the things that did, and do.”

As Howard’s illness progresses, Ruth feels increasingly guilty for the time she spent away from her family. She struggles with the idea that the time she spent with Joel did not count for anything, and in fact was taking her away from things in her life that did matter or “count,” such as her family. Ruth feels a sense of confusion and resentment toward herself for not being able to decide what “counted for something and what counted not at all.” She wants some omnipotent authority to absolve her of the time she spent away from her family, as she feels unable to forgive herself for that.

“When I brought it up, months later, Joel said, ‘What are you talking about?’ because he didn’t remember it–he’d forgotten it completely–and it was at that point I realized that I could remember something and he could remember something different and if we built up a store of separate memories, how would that work, and would it be okay? The answer, of course, in the end, was no.”

Ruth recalls a moment from her relationship with Joel that showed her, after their breakup, that their relationship was doomed. After recalling the same night in completely different ways, Ruth wonders whether she and Joel could have built a life together from two separate stores of memory. She admits that, ultimately, they could not, and this illustrates the importance Ruth places on memory and its role in relationships. She believes that relationships need a basic foundation of shared truth or interpretation of memory. The fact that she and Joel did not share this was a sign that their relationship was not meant to be.