If I Stay

Mia remembers a time when her mother snuck her into a Casino on a trip to Crater Lake. Mia’s mom was so absorbed by the blackjack game that she lost track of time, much to the annoyance of her husband and son. Likewise, time in the ICU is hard to keep track of, especially since it is devoid of natural light. The doctors, nurses, and other medical staff come and go, and Mia is not only subjected to repeated examinations but the constant sounding of alarms around the hospital. 

The social worker visits her room, looking exhausted and overwhelmed by the challenge of serving as the liaison between the doctors and Mia’s assembled family. In spite of her fatigue, she handles this job dutifully, keeping Mia’s family informed of her progress—her vital signs are improving—and inviting two family members in for a room visit.

The first two family members to see Mia are Gran and Gramps and while they wonder aloud whether Mia can hear them, a friendly nurse, Nurse Ramirez, informs them that Mia can hear them and that “she is running the show” (82).

While her grandparents sit beside her, Mia recalls her parents’ family history. While her dad was outwardly a punk-rocker in his youth—with blue hair, tattoos, and leather jackets—he, like his parents, was also very traditional. Mia’s mom, on the other hand, eschewed tradition and came from a very fractured and disconnected family. Although they didn’t plan to have Mia or a traditional marriage, they ultimately created an extremely loving and functional family. 

Mia overhears her grandparents discussing the nurse’s statement that Mia is “running the show,” suggesting that she has the power to decide the outcome of her fate. This power to choose terrifies Mia; she wonders how she could possibly decide to live without her mom, dad, and Teddy. As if searching for reasons to stay, Mia shifts her thoughts to Adam. “Where the hell is [he]?” she wonders.

Thoughts of Adam lead to a fond memory of a Halloween date. Adam dressed up as Mozart, which prompts Mia to find a similarly clever costume. She decides to go out of character as a “Rocker Chick,” and her costume is a hybrid of female rock icons: she wears a Sonic Youth t-shirt in homage to Kim Gordon, and a blonde wig with purple bangs in tribute to Blondie’s Debbie Harry. 

After she and Adam take Teddy trick-or-treating, the couple head to a club where Adam’s band will perform later that evening. While Mia typically despises these shows and struggles to mingle with the rock crowd, she has a great time at this show, dancing in the mosh pit for the first time, and dancing with Adam after his set finishes. 

Later, on the drive home from the concert, Mia asks Adam whether he prefers her in the “Rocker costume.” Adam responds that he loves her the same no matter how she dresses. From that point forward, the costume serves as a reminder of Adam’s complete and unconditional acceptance and love of her.