Ordinary People

The next morning, Conrad, who stayed out late the night before, is confronted by his grandmother. He lets her words roll off his back because today is going to be a good day. The night before, he and Jeanine went on a double date with his friends Truan and Shirley. He enjoyed it and hopes to spend more time with them in the future. He reflects that “there are no secret passages to strength, no magic words. It is just something you know about yourself” (210). Now, he realizes, he is strong.

After dinner, an article in the Sunday paper stops him in his tracks. The headline mentions a young girl dying by suicide. Dreading what he might find, he skims the article and finds that Karen has died. A wave of sickness washes over him. He tells his grandparents that he has to go to bed, even though it’s only seven o’clock. He feels betrayed by Dr. Crawford, who said she would be fine. He thinks of Karen as he knew her at the hospital, where they sat on a stone bench talking and laughing with their friend Leo. He falls in and out of a restless sleep in which he is haunted by memories of the hospital, the night he attempted suicide, and how his father found him in a pool of blood on the bathroom floor.

Conrad stirs and walks outside for some fresh air, but he is sent back home by a police officer who questions why he’s outdoors at this hour. He goes back into the house, and memories crash over him like waves. He is back to the night of the sailing accident when Buck died. The boat had capsized in a storm, and the brothers tried to hold on for dear life. At some point, Buck let go. It didn’t make sense because Buck had always been the stronger of the two brothers. Everything that happened to Conrad after that felt like punishment, as he was “forced to submit over and over again to a hopeless rerun of that day to what could have been done to make the sum of it different” (218). Nothing can be changed, which makes remembering even more unbearable.

He jolts from the chair and calls Dr. Berger, saying that he has to see him. Dr. Berger agrees to meet him. Conrad writes a note to his grandparents to let them know he left early, and he gets in the car.

At Dr. Berger’s, Conrad cannot control the flood of memories. He remembers his friend from the hospital, Robbie, who tied a rag soaked in alcohol around his waist and set himself on fire in his hospital room. No one knows how he got matches, but when Conrad walked past his room that night, “he heard the words ‘penis, scrotum and thigh’ and a wave of dizziness nausea sweeping over him” (222). Leo, another friend, found Conrad weeping in the corner of his room. Conrad thinks about the people he has loved and never saw again: Robbie, Karen, and Buck. The memories are overwhelming, and he feels that “[t]here is no control anymore, everything is lost” (222). He shouts at Dr. Berger that he can’t talk about it, and he can’t make it stop.

Dr. Berger tells him not to try to make it stop, but Conrad keeps shouting. Between shaky breaths, he finally admits that he blames himself for Buck’s death. He feels that he let him drown. Dr. Berger tries to approach Conrad calmly. He reminds him that he and Buck were on opposite sides of the boat, and there was nothing he could have done to change that. Buck’s death was no one’s fault. The only thing Conrad is guilty of is hanging on to the boat. He survived, and Buck didn’t—that’s all there is to it.

As Conrad begins to calm down, Dr. Berger tells him a story of two brothers. The older brother seems to be the perfect kid, and the younger brother is not. The younger brother models himself after his older brother, and for many years, he is able to please people this way. One day, tragedy strikes, and the older brother perishes while the younger brother survives. The younger brother tries to carry the load of becoming the perfect older brother, but it’s too difficult. He can’t set down the burden of being perfect, so he decides to destroy it. Dr. Berger says, “It’s a very far-out act of self-preservation, do you get that, Con? And you were right. Nobody needs you to be Buck. It’s okay to just be you” (224). Conrad shakes his head. He doesn’t know how to be himself anymore.

Dr. Berger continues to help Conrad. He tells him that suppressing his feelings is destroying him. He has to learn to let his own emotions out and his own likes and dislikes, or else things will never get better. Since Conrad hasn’t eaten, Dr. Berger takes him to a nearby diner. After they are seated, he reveals that he knows about Karen’s suicide; Dr. Crawford called him earlier to let him know. He says that Conrad’s spiral is the result of him allowing himself to feel pain. While scary, this is a good sign because Conrad has not been allowing himself to feel anything. Conrad has been numb to pain for so long, but he has also been numb to joy.

They finish their meal, and Dr. Berger sends Conrad home to get some sleep. He can’t go back to his grandparents’ without arousing suspicion, so Conrad uses his key to get some rest at his own house. He cries again and eventually falls asleep in his bed. 

Back in Texas, Cal, Beth, Ward, and Audrey sip martinis after another day of golf. Cal won the tournament earlier that day, and they are celebrating. Beth comments that the two of them should go on golfing trips more often. Cal adds that Conrad would probably like that, too, which aggravates Beth. She can’t understand why Cal is so insistent on Conrad coming everywhere with them. Cal is annoyed and begins to drink more heavily.

Later, the two of them finish this argument. Beth accuses Cal of letting Conrad control him, even when he isn’t there. He is constantly worried about his son instead of being present with her. Beth tells him that she is certain he blames her for what happened, for “[T]he whole vicious thing! […] The blood-all that blood! Oh, I will never forgive him for it! He wanted it to kill me, too!” (237). Cal reaches for Beth, trying to do what he can to help her, but she pulls away, insisting she can help herself.

Cal doubts what Beth said. Surely Conrad didn’t attempt suicide to manipulate Beth into loving him more. There is one detail that makes him reconsider, however. He remembers that on the night of the sailing accident, Conrad apologized to them for Buck’s death. After his own accident, though, he did not apologize.

Cal and Beth are home and reunited with Conrad. Beth was cool and isolated from Cal during their flight. Cal wonders if anything can be done to fix his family. At dinner, he observes that Beth is “the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect hostess” (242). They have dinner at an Italian restaurant, and Cal sits quietly while Conrad speaks most of the time. At one point, Beth reaches over to fix Conrad’s collar, “and he sat, not moving under her touch, but drinking in every ounce of her attention” (242). He is so eager to please her, Cal notices. That night, as Conrad is getting ready for bed, he gives Beth an awkward hug. Beth remains where she is, motionless, and eventually lowers her head and continues reading.

Conrad and Jeanine are in her living room discussing the uncertainty of the future. Jeanine is worried about leaving for college in the fall; she doesn’t want to leave Conrad, and he doesn’t want her to leave, either. To distract her, Conrad plays a song he wrote on the guitar. Jeanine tells him he should write words to the song, but Conrad says he isn’t good at that. When Jeanine mentions that he used to write poetry, something Conrad never told her, she is forced to confess that she made Lazenby give her all the details about him before they started dating. Conrad laughs, flattered by her curiosity to know more.

Their talk soon turns into more, and for the first time, the two of them make love. Afterward, Jeanine traces her fingers lightly over the scars on Conrad’s wrists, sending “out strange vibrations from nerve endings that are not completely healed” (250). Conrad describes how when he attempted suicide, he felt so trapped, and hurting himself seemed like the only right option. However, he doesn’t feel that way anymore.

Jeanine asks him if he believes God punishes people for their mistakes. He says he doesn’t believe in God, but he does believe in her. He kisses her again and holds her tight.

Beth is leaving her family for Europe. She tells Cal that he can break the news to Conrad. Since they’ve been back, none of their conversations have been civil; nothing is resolved, and communication between them feels broken. Still, Cal fights for their marriage. He asks why she’s leaving, and she tells him that when he suggested they see a counselor, she was out. She has no desire to talk through their problems, but he is free to do as he pleases. She fires at him, “Well what do you expect from an emotional cripple? […] I won’t have you wringing your hands over me, the way you have over him” (253). Cal realizes that he doesn’t know his wife as well as he thought, and he wonders if it’s unfair to expect her to share with him just because he wants her to.

He is reminded of all the times people heralded the Jarretts as the perfect couple and Beth as the perfect wife. He was so polite and practical when they dated and in their marriage. Now, he sees that Beth’s outside does not quite match what’s on the inside: “[W]hat he has glimpsed is not order, but chaos; not practicality at all but stubborn, incredible impulse” (254). He remembers a night that he snapped and grabbed her, wanting to shake the truth from her. He demanded to know if she still loved him. She shouted that she felt the same as always, and it was Cal who had changed. He wonders why they can’t make it work now. He realizes that there is not always a clear explanation; sometimes things just are the way they are.

Cal sits at the breakfast table with Conrad and works up the courage to break the news. He asks if he wants to go outside for a bit, and Conrad agrees. First, Cal tells him that they will be selling the house soon; they will need the money for college and Beth’s trip to Europe. Conrad asks what he’s talking about, and Cal tells him that his mother is leaving the country, alone and indefinitely. There’s been no talk of a divorce, but he isn’t certain when she’ll be back. He assures Conrad that it’s no one’s fault; it’s just something Beth has to do for herself.

Cal and Conrad finally connect. Conrad tells Cal he always imagined he had everything together, even though he had a harsh upbringing. They are going to start the next chapter of their lives together. Hopefully, Beth will decide to join them. Until then, they have each other, and they finally see each other for who they really are.

One year later, Conrad says goodbye to Dr. Berger. While he is in the area, he decides to drive by his old house for one last look. He gets the idea to visit Lazenby, and when he knocks on the door, he is greeted by Lazenby’s younger sister, Katy. She is thrilled to see him and sends him out back, where her brother is practicing chip shots in the yard.

Lazenby says he heard that Conrad and his dad moved, and Conrad confirms that they moved to Evanston. He is starting college in the fall. There is an awkward silence before Conrad speaks up again and asks Lazenby if he wants to go for a round of golf. Lazenby hesitates at first but then agrees.

This gesture is Conrad’s first step toward forgiveness. His mother, too, has made some gestures that make Conrad think differently about her. In a recent letter she wrote to his grandmother, she marveled that the Aegean Sea is just like Conrad and Buck’s drawings they made for her. When Cal and Conrad cleaned out the basement, they found that “she had saved them all […] Do you save stuff like that if it means nothing to you?” (263).

Lazenby emerges from the house. He says his mom wants to see Conrad before they go golfing. Conrad agrees and enters the house, smiling.