50 pages • 1 hour read
Elliot PagePageboy: A Memoir
Nonfiction | Autobiography / Memoir | Adult | Published in 2023A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Chapters 16-20Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Chapter 16 Summary: “Speedo”
In “Speedo,” Page recalls being distraught when, at about 10 years old, he was unable to play co-ed soccer anymore. When he was forced to play on a girls’ team, there was a brief time when people assumed that he was a boy because of his short hair. When he hit puberty, began to develop breasts, and got his period, Page says, “I didn’t transform into me—the me I knew I was—like the other boys did” (139).
At this age, Page found hope with his friend, Tim, with whom he played soccer on the co-ed team. In the summer, Page and Tim would play together at Tim’s home, where Tim’s father set up a kiddie pool for them to swim in. The first time this happened, Page did not have a swimsuit with him, and Tim’s father gave him a Speedo to wear. To Page, the Speedo was “a sacred talisman” and he felt, “a rush of joy” wearing it (140).
Chapter 17 Summary: “Crash”
When Page became an adult, he found it hard to visit his father and stepmother. The pain of his childhood at their home is still something he has never been able to discuss with his father and stepmother, and he constantly feels like he has to perform happiness when he is there. When Page was 25, his father came to visit him in Los Angeles. Dennis told Page that there was something that he wanted to discuss with him, and at first, Page thought he was going to apologize for how he and Linda treated him. When the two finally did have the conversation, Dennis talked about how he felt too guilty for too long about divorcing Page’s mother. He said that if he had not done so, he never would have met Linda, “never would have had this life with her […] never would have had the love and happiness [that he has]” (145). This moment made it clear to Page that his father did not really see him or the pain and suffering that his actions caused.
The pain that Page felt at this moment caused him to have a severe panic attack. He was unable to respond to his father and left early to go to a therapy appointment. On his way there, he was so distracted that he rear-ended another car. Page’s therapist suggested that he have a few therapy sessions with his father, a recommendation that Page vehemently rejected.
Chapter 18 Summary: “Intuition”
Page was 12 when he felt sure that his acting career was going to work out. He describes running lines and filming self-tapes with Jack. Page and Jack were “weird kids together” and maintained a close friendship throughout their childhood (151). Page credits Jack with helping him land his first lead role when he was 14. The film is called I Downloaded a Ghost.
After starring in I Downloaded a Ghost, Page was cast in another low-budget film called Ghost Cat, where he met another friend, Mark. They later starred together in another film, Going for Broke, and their friendship solidified. Page and Jack drifted apart at this point, as Page switched schools and no longer lived in Nova Scotia full-time. He talks about how “the deep knowing [he] experienced with Mark mirrored what [he] left behind with Jack” (156). Jack and Page reconnected later as adults.
Chapter 19 Summary: “Old Navy”
When Page was a teenager, he and his mother visited Martha’s sister, Helen, in Richmond, Virginia. They had visited many times before, but when Page hit puberty, his cousins started to ridicule him for not dressing like a girl. His cousin was having her 16th birthday party, and he did not want to feel out of place at the party, so he asked his mom to take him to Old Navy to buy “girl clothes.” Martha was overjoyed to hear him say this, and Page was glad that he was making his mother happy.
At Old Navy, the girls’ section was pink and sparkly, and the clothes that Page tried on were tight and made him feel strange. He saw a girl reflected back at him in the mirror and felt pressure to “be a young lady and make [his] mom proud” (163). He continued to wear the girl clothes for a short time when he went back to Halifax for the school year, which helped him fit in a bit better. However, he describes being uncomfortable with the attention that he got as a result, which “only heightened the sting, stretching and contaminating the wound, more of its grotesqueness on display” (165).
Chapter 20 Summary: “Just Lean In”
Page developed a crush on a classmate named Nikki in high school. He describes feeling “a force, an electromagnetic pull” (166) toward her. Despite his attraction to her, he tried to date boys, still unable to deal with the possibility of being gay. Page and an unnamed boy began a physical relationship. Page did not especially enjoy kissing boys, but loved “the adventure of it, the potential” and wondered if he could eventually like them.
Page and Nikki became close friends as high school continued. Page often found himself thinking about kissing her, but he never did. For Nikki’s 18th birthday, he bought her a copy of Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse, which was one of his favorite novels. He inscribed it, though later felt embarrassed by what he wrote. A few weeks later, Page was devastated to learn that Nikki was going to prom with a boy. The two did not completely lose touch after high school, and years later, Nikki told Page that she felt the same way he did. Page is sad that they “were cheated out of [their] love” (172) but still thinks about Nikki with affection.
Chapters 16-20 Analysis
Most of these chapters deal with Page’s memories of childhood and adolescence. They take place before he really understood the intensity of Anti-LGBTQ Sentiments in Hollywood, as that force had little effect on him in his first few acting roles. His descriptions of his childhood and adolescent gender non-conformity foreshadow the extent to which Hollywood’s gendered expectations impact him and his career. Though he does deal with gendered expectations in his early years, those expectations are less intense when he is very young. For instance, soccer teams are not divided by gender until Page is around 10 years old. Growing up involves growing apart from his male childhood friends because of expectations about children’s behavior, friendships, clothing, and more.
Although Page does not come out as transgender until he is in his thirties, he takes steps toward Self-Discovery and Self-Acceptance even in early childhood. His experience of wearing a Speedo at his friend’s house is a particularly significant part of this journey. Many trans people, Page included, talk about experiencing gender dysphoria, a deep discomfort with their assigned gender. The opposite experience, sometimes called “gender euphoria,” can be just as significant. Gender euphoria is a feeling that a certain gender presentation or experience is fundamentally correct. For Page, getting to wear a speedo was an early moment that could be called gender euphoria. Page has the opposite experience of gender when he tries to wear more feminine clothes for his mother’s benefit. The two scenes contrast to give a clear picture of Page’s understanding of how others perceive him and the consequences of not living up to people’s expectations.
Looking back on these moments in later life, as Page does in his memoir, can be a crucial way for trans people to understand their experiences and see that there are positive ways of expressing their real gender, even when dysphoria can be overwhelming. Moments like these can provide a roadmap that makes transition and self-acceptance easier. As Page notes at the beginning of his memoir, his journey is not linear. He approached and then retreated from genuine self-understanding many times throughout his life, even in childhood.
Page has a similar moment of near-revelation with regard to his sexuality when he gets close to Nikki. His feelings for her are distinctly romantic, and the two have a connection that goes beyond a normal friendship, but neither of them actually takes the step to make it real. While many of Page’s Complex Interpersonal Relationships are marked by pain, his connection to Nikki is something he looks back on fondly, even though he is sad they were never able to be together. Many LGBTQ people have memories of similarly charged friendships that were important stepping stones on the path toward coming out.
Page often talks about his life and relationships in terms of being “seen.” He feels that some people, like his friend Mark, can really see him because they either understand him, recognize his real gender, or respect his perspective. Other people, like Dennis, never see him. Dennis’s inability to connect with Page runs deeper than his lack of understanding of Page’s gender and sexuality. He is either incapable of examining his role in Page’s childhood or unwilling to do so. Instead of apologizing for his role in Linda’s mistreatment, he describes his life with her as happy and meaningful. In Pageboy, genuine connections require an ability to see beyond the self and recognize the needs and experiences of others. Dennis never manages to take these steps in his interactions with Page.
