Redefining realness: My path to womanhood, identity, love, & so much more

Elizabeth Mock is Janet’s mother, a young Hawaiian woman with five children, some of whom have different fathers. Although Elizabeth is very smart, her future was derailed when she became pregnant as a teenager:

She was a promising student near the top of her class (her shyness kept her from asserting herself), but her childhood was cut short, and so were her dreams, when she found out she was pregnant at sixteen by the troublemaker from the special ed class—the one boy who asked her out (94).

Her mother gets caught up in her relationships with men, frequently ignoring her children or leaving them in the care of her older children. Her concept of womanhood seems to revolve entirely around the lives of more or less deadbeat men, which is possibly where Mock learns to associate womanhood with the male gaze. In many ways, Mock’s mother represents failed potential or a dream gone astray, as she had the potential to go to college but was limited by her unexpected pregnancy. She bounces between men in an attempt to make herself happy, although she does not succeed and eventually turns to drugs.

In the beginning of the narrative, Mock conceptualizes her mother as the ideal version of womanhood: she is beautiful, and always in a relationship. Elizabeth exists as the illusion of some fairy tale, and Mock repeatedly associates her mother with Belle from Beauty and the Beast. When living with her father, Mock dreams that her mother will save her: “Mom only existed in scant memories and dreams of her saving us from the dark cloud that hovered over us” (57). However, once Mock goes back to live with her mother, she begins to recognize the dream for what it is: an illusion. She realizes that her mother is not the ideal, but rather a very troubled woman who has been repeatedly beaten down by life’s hardships. Elizabeth’s fall forces Mock to interrogate her own beliefs, to some extent, about womanhood; during this critical assessment, Mock realizes that she must become her own ideal woman and not rely on the women in her life to fulfill this role. In many ways, Mock and her mother mature side-by-side, as they both must understand their own identities and work to alleviate the psychological trauma of their pasts.

Charlie Mock is Janet’s father, who mostly appears in the first section of the book. He is estranged from Elizabeth after his routine infidelity leads her to attempt suicide. He then goes through a variety of girlfriends, despite the fact that he is rarely faithful, unable to hold down a job, and has problems with drug abuse. However, Charlie is incredibly charming, energetic, and fun to be around, the kind of person who breaks out dancing in the middle of the street if his song comes on. He is also unapologetically selfish, especially in terms of his relationships with women, although he does vocalize his love for Janet and Chad, whom he loves unconditionally and believes give his life purpose. Mock describes her father as “an anomaly, a single black father amid a gaggle of equally struggling single black moms” (57). It does appear that Charlie tries to be a good father, perhaps more so than Elizabeth tries to be a good mother, as Mock remembers her father teaching her how to ride a bike and taking her on mini-vacations. However, Charlie is also unable to escape the socio-economic realities that haunt him as a poor black man and he frequently moves in order to run away from his problems, such as when he leaves Oakland for Dallas because he’s afraid he won’t survive any longer in Oakland.

Charlie is an important character because he serves as a mechanism by which Janet can criticize many of the aspects of her personality without actually criticizing herself. She and her father are very similar, and Mock has mixed feelings about this similarity:“I had seen my eerie similarities with my father. He was proud and selfish and wanted to be the center of attention. I was also those things, half-formed” (66). As a result of these similarities, the relationship between Janet and Charlie is incredibly tense. However, eventually they learn to accept and love one another, even if they don’t like each other all of the time. Janet’s similarities with her father result in her isolation from her family, but they also give her a fierce independence to live her truth, just as her father does, often without thinking of the implications for other people in their lives. As a result of these similarities, Charlie is also nothing if not utterly human to Mock and so she never seems heartbroken by his actions.

Chad is Mock’s younger brother and only a year younger in age. The two grow up together and share the same parents. Despite this proximity, there is a distinct separation between Mock and her brother, as Chad exists as a kind of foil to Mock. Chad is incredibly athletic and conforms to the rigid gender norms of masculinity; he is brave, often fearless, and seems to have little regard for physical pain, although he is not outwardly aggressive except in sports or when wrestling with Jeff, his brother. Chad is Charlie’s ideal son, and the difference between Chad and Mock creates a rift in their relationship. Mock feels isolated from her brother, who she does not think understands her, and Mock’s transition is noticeably difficult for her younger brother.

Similarly, Chad seems to feel guiltybecause of this isolation, especially considering how responsible he feels—however unwarranted—for Derek’s sexual abuse of Mock. Chad cannot forgive himself for remaining silent in his knowledge, which further isolates him from Mock. Similarly, Chad also worries about Mock, especially as they grow up. Mock’s work on Merchant Street particularly worries her brother, who feels protective of his sister even when he does not understand her choices: “He woke up a few times a night when I was out, checking my room periodically to see if I was home” (211). Despite this attempt at protection and support, the rift that was created as divergent young children grows into silence. As they age, the two siblings rarely speak. Although Chad is careful to verbally support his sister, he seems too young to know how to help her, other than making sure to refer to Mock by her chosen name and preferred gender pronouns. This estrangement continues until they both reach adulthood and are ready to openly communicate about their past and experiences.

Wendi is Mock’s best friend during Mock’s time in Hawaii. In many ways, Mock and Wendi are similar, as both come from relatively unstable home lives and discover their girlhood identity at a young age. However, Wendi is much more open, brash, and unapologetic than Mock is; nothing about Wendi is subtle, from her green hair to her tiny shorts. In many ways, Wendi embodies the type of self-confidence that Mock wishes she could have, although Wendi’s personality also scares Mock. When their peers tease Wendi at school, “she used such ignorance as ammunition, threatening to kiss the boys who sought to humiliate her. I wasn’t as daring as Wendi, and looking at her I was frightened by what I saw: myself” (105). Wendi represents the kind of person who Mock wishes she could be or perhaps believes she can be, this whirlwind of personality and confidence in identity.

Wendi helps Mock to come out of her shell, empowering and supporting her in ways other people cannot. Wendi’s instant authority belies her self-confidence as she refuses to hide who she is and encourages Mock to do the same. The two girls have a rare relationship: “Wendi has always wanted me to shine beside her, not behind her” (122). In many ways, Mock would not be who she is without Wendi’s help, as Wendi teaches Mock many things about being trans as well as introduces her to other trans women and support groups. Although the two grow apart, Mock seems endlessly grateful for Wendi’s friendship and support.

Aaron is Mock’s ideal partner and the man who Mock eventually marries. When Mock meets Aaron, he is a dog trainer who wants to be a filmmaker. Aaron grew up on his grandparents’ wheat farm in North Dakota and then moved to Maine with his mother, playing basketball throughout his adolescence. The first thing that Mock notices about Aaron is how attractive he is, with “skin the color of sweet toffee” (2), wavy black hair, and a smirk. As a character, Aaron represents the emotional intimacy that Mock craves but is also terrified of, and he later serves as the catalyst for Mock’s public disclosure. Aaron shows Mock how to be open without being weak and that depending on someone doesn’t make you less safe. More than anything, Aaron sees beyond Mock’s appearance to understand the woman who is underneath.