The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World

Archbishop Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama discuss the natural occurrence of fear and anxiety in humans and strategies to manage these emotions. Archbishop Tutu acknowledges that fear and anxiety are essential survival mechanisms, saying, “God has given us these things because God knew that we needed them” (93). He shares his personal experience of dealing with fear during the apartheid era, revealing his reliance on faith for protection and his practical measures for safety. The discussion also highlights the importance of acknowledging fears and vulnerabilities as a part of our humanity. The Archbishop and the Dalai Lama agree that while fear is natural, problems arise when fear is exaggerated or triggered by insignificant causes.

The Dalai Lama elaborates on this by discussing mental immunity, which involves understanding and managing our mind’s reaction to fear and anxiety. He emphasizes the importance of differentiating between rational and emotional responses, illustrating this point with an anecdote: “When I was young and living in the Potala, there was an area that was very dark, and there were stories about ghosts there. So when I was passing through this area, I would feel something. This was completely a mental projection” (88). This example illustrates how our minds can exaggerate fear and create unnecessary anxiety.

The conversation then shifts to the impact of modern society on stress and anxiety. Jinpa, a translator and scholar, notes how traditional lifestyles, like those in Tibet, provided a less stressful environment due to their close-knit community structures. In contrast, the modern emphasis on independence can lead to increased stress and anxiety due to a lack of communal support. The Dalai Lama points out that stress and anxiety often stem from unrealistic expectations and ambitions. He advises, “When we have a clear picture about our own capacity, we can be realistic about our effort. Then there is a much greater chance of achieving our goals. But unrealistic effort only brings disaster” (96). He highlights the need for a realistic understanding of one’s capabilities to mitigate stress.

Abrams brings up research by psychologist Elissa Epel’s, explaining how we can transform a threat into a challenge, thereby altering our body’s response to stress. The Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu suggest that seeing oneself as connected to others can reduce feelings of fear and anxiety, fostering a sense of shared humanity. Ultimately, the message conveyed is that acknowledging and understanding our fears, coupled with a sense of connectedness and realistic expectations, can help us manage stress and anxiety more effectively.

Archbishop Tutu shares an experience while driving in Jacksonville, Florida, where a car unexpectedly cut him off. Instead of reacting with anger, he humorously speculated on the possible urgent reasons the driver might have had. This reaction demonstrates his practice of compassion and empathy over anger.

The Dalai Lama explains the close connection between fear and anger, stating that fear leads to frustration, which in turn leads to anger. This perspective, Abrams notes, aligns with biological understanding, as both fear and anger are part of our natural response to perceived threats.

The Dalai Lama admits to having experienced anger himself, then recounts a humorous incident involving a mechanic who once hurt himself while working on the Dalai Lama’s car. The mechanic hit his head on the hood of the car, became frustrated, and then hit his head again with his fist in an expression of that frustration: “That is anger. What use is it? The very reason he lost his temper is that he hit his head and then he hits his head on purpose, inflicting more pain on himself. It’s foolish” (103).

Both leaders agree that understanding the underlying causes of anger can help manage it. They suggest considering the root fear or hurt behind the anger and responding with compassion towards oneself and others. Acknowledging and expressing these underlying fears can soothe the anger. The Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu also discuss the concept of righteous anger, which is often motivated by a desire to protect others or seek justice. Since this form of anger is usually felt on behalf of others, it is less harmful than other forms of anger and, according to Archbishop Tutu, can be a powerful tool of reform.

Dalai Lama emphasizes the importance of a calm mind for physical health, explaining, “constant fear, constant anger, constant hatred harms our immune system” (106). He advocates for training the mind and using reason to transform emotions, thereby achieving mental peace and reducing anger. This exploration argues that while anger is a natural human emotion, it can be managed and transformed through understanding, empathy, and compassion. The leaders highlight the importance of recognizing the interconnectedness of fear, frustration, and anger, and the power of perspective in shaping our emotional responses.

Archbishop Tutu and the Dalai Lama delve into the complex emotions of sadness and grief, underscoring their deep significance in human experience and relationships. Archbishop Tutu shares an experience from the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, where a witness’s inability to continue his testimony due to overwhelming emotion led the Archbishop himself to tears. He reflects on this, saying, “I’m a crybaby. I cry easily... I suppose I love easily, too” (109). This moment exemplifies his belief that expressing emotions, particularly sadness and grief, is crucial for healing and returning to a state of normalcy. He emphasizes the harm in suppressing these feelings, suggesting that it’s healthier to express them openly.

The Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu discuss how sadness, while seemingly contradictory to joy, often leads to deeper empathy and compassion. Studies show that sadness can improve judgment, memory, sensitivity to social norms, and generosity. Mild sadness can widen our circle of concern, making us more generous and empathic.

The conversation then shifts to how sadness and grief are integral to human experience. The Dalai Lama shares his personal loss of his teacher, turning his grief into a source of motivation and purpose. He advises that focusing on fulfilling the wishes of the departed, rather than dwelling on personal loss, can transform grief into positive action. The Dalai Lama recounts the Buddhist story of a woman who lost her child, emphasizing the universality of grief and loss. This story illustrates that understanding shared experiences of loss can help in the healing process.

Abrams discusses psychologist Gordon Wheeler’s perspective on grief as a reminder of the depth of our love. Grief, in this view, is not just about loss, but also a testament to the capacity for love. Abrams highlights Wheeler’s practice of allowing himself to feel grief as a way to appreciate the full spectrum of human emotions and experiences.

Sadness and grief are not just inevitable parts of life but are essential for forging deeper connections with others, fostering compassion, and reminding us of our capacity for love. These emotions, though painful, are crucial in the human journey towards empathy, understanding, and joy.

Archbishop Tutu and the Dalai Lama explore human despair and potential paths to maintaining hope and joy in the face of global suffering. Archbishop Tutu emphasizes the importance of compassion and empathy, reminding us of our interconnectedness. He illustrates this by referencing the selflessness of healthcare workers in dangerous situations, like those who tackled the Ebola outbreak. Tutu stresses that feeling distressed about global issues reflects our humanity and capacity for compassion: “It’s so wonderful that we can be distressed. That’s part of the greatness of who we are—that you are distressed about someone who is not family in any conventional way” (116).

The Dalai Lama, reflecting on his experiences, suggests that maintaining a balanced perspective is crucial. He recalls the violent crackdowns in Tibet and how he used meditation practices to cultivate forgiveness and compassion, even for the perpetrators. This mental discipline helped him maintain a calm mind amidst turmoil.

The conversation then delves into the transformative power of human goodness, with Tutu highlighting the inherent goodness and generosity in people. He shares examples of forgiveness and compassion, even in the most tragic circumstances, demonstrating humanity’s capacity for profound goodness and resilience.

The Dalai Lama reinforces this by pointing out that while bad events make the news, the countless daily acts of kindness and care go unnoticed. He encourages a holistic view of the world, acknowledging the bad but also recognizing the overwhelming presence of good. He notes that disasters and acts of violence are more likely to make the news than acts of kindness, and that this creates a false impression about the nature of the world and of people.

Archbishop Tutu distinguishes between hope and optimism, defining hope as a deeper, more steadfast belief in the possibility of a better future, regardless of current circumstances. He uses the example of South Africa’s transition from apartheid to democracy to illustrate the power of hope in seemingly hopeless situations.

Both leaders agree that hope is essential for overcoming despair. Hope is a proactive and courageous stance against the challenges of the world. Tutu describes choosing hope as stepping “firmly forward into the howling wind, baring one’s chest to the elements, knowing that, in time, the storm will pass” (122).

In a discussion about loneliness, the Dalai Lama highlights the growing sense of alienation in contemporary society, particularly in bustling cities where, despite physical proximity, people lack meaningful human connections. He contrasts this with rural areas, where stronger community bonds enable people to seek help and support from neighbors. The Dalai Lama emphasizes that everyone, regardless of personal differences, shares a basic humanity and the capacity for affection. He criticizes the materialistic focus of modern life, which neglects the importance of friendship and love, turning individuals into parts of a large, impersonal machine.

Addressing the decline in close friendships and the increase in loneliness, the Dalai Lama stresses the importance of seeing others as fellow human beings. This approach fosters a sense of connection and reduces feelings of isolation. He advocates for compassion and warm-heartedness as ways to create a more positive environment, arguing that fear and distrust, resulting from excessive self-focus, lead to feelings of loneliness.

Archbishop Tutu suggests that religious communities could play a greater role in reducing loneliness by providing warmth and fellowship. He highlights the paradox of loneliness, pointing out that it’s possible to be alone without feeling lonely and to feel lonely in a crowd. He concurs with the Dalai Lama on the importance of warm-heartedness and compassion in overcoming loneliness. The Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu consider loneliness as a significant issue in modern society, worsened by materialistic cultures and a lack of real human connection. They propose compassion, warm-heartedness, and focusing on our shared humanity as solutions to combat the feelings of isolation and alienation common in today’s world.

The Archbishop acknowledges the spontaneous and natural occurrence of emotions like envy. He illustrates this with an example: “I mean you get up, and you’re trying to be a good person and that guy goes past yet again, for the third time this week, in his Mercedes-Benz or some other very nice car” (135). This highlights how comparison and jealousy can arise in everyday situations. The Dalai Lama elaborates on the universality of comparison and its roots in human and even animal behavior, using the example of dogs who become jealous while eating together. He also discusses the concept of envy in Tibetan Buddhism, describing it as a feeling of “heavy or constricted shoulders” (137).

The discussion then moves to societal implications, focusing on the importance of fairness and equality. The Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu emphasize the negative impact of envy on personal well-being and relationships. They advocate for shifting focus from material possessions to inner values and compassion for others.

Archbishop Tutu suggests gratitude as a remedy for envy, encouraging people to count their blessings. He also mentions motivation and reframing as ways to counteract envious feelings. The Dalai Lama, on the other hand, advises cultivating emotions that bring joy and peace, suggesting that negative emotions like jealousy should be avoided from the beginning.

The Dalai Lama introduces the Buddhist concept of mudita, or sympathetic joy, as an antidote to envy. Mudita means rejoicing in others’ good fortune through a recognition of shared humanity and common desires for happiness.

The Archbishop reiterates that while envy is not virtuous, it should not be a source of guilt, as it is a natural emotion. The Dalai Lama compares managing envy to preventive health measures, emphasizing the importance of cultivating a calm mind and reducing attachments.

The Dalai Lama begins by highlighting the Tibetan perspective that adversities can be transformed into opportunities for growth. He illustrates this with a Tibetan saying, “Even a tragic situation can become an opportunity” (145). This viewpoint is supported by the observation that difficult experiences often accentuate the nature of happiness and bring it into sharp relief.

The Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu discuss how generations that have endured hardships, such as those in Europe and South Africa, develop a deeper appreciation for joys like freedom, which subsequent generations might take for granted. The Dalai Lama notes, “The suffering is what makes you appreciate the joy” (146).

Reflecting on the psychological impacts of suffering, the Dalai Lama points out that many perceive suffering as a problem, but it can be seen as an opportunity to remain firm and maintain composure. This perspective is echoed in Tibetan spiritual teachings, which emphasize transforming interactions with family, teachers, and adversaries into opportunities for developing virtues like non-attachment, compassion, and wisdom.

The Dalai Lama shares personal stories of Tibetans who endured hardships in Chinese gulags and work camps, asserting that their inner spirit and warmheartedness were key to their endurance. He shares an anecdote of a Tibetan monk who saw the danger in these camps not as a threat to life but as a risk to his compassion towards his Chinese guards.

Archbishop Tutu, resonating with the Dalai Lama’s thoughts, emphasizes the transformative power of adversity. As an example, he notes that Nelson Mandela emerged after 27 years with a remarkable sense of magnanimity and compassion, having grown through his suffering.

Both leaders agree that suffering can be a catalyst for emotional and spiritual growth. As the Archbishop explains, “For us to grow in generosity of spirit we have to undergo in some way or other a diminishing, a frustration” (154). He likens this process to physical exercise, where resistance is necessary for improved fitness. Similarly, spiritual and emotional growth often require overcoming challenges and adversities.

The Dalai Lama further elaborates on the importance of accepting suffering as a part of life and using it as an opportunity for mental development. He shares his own experiences of losing freedom and country, emphasizing how these adversities led to greater inner strength and a deeper understanding of compassion.

Both leaders agree that joy can be found in the process of overcoming adversity. The Dalai Lama emphasizes the need for tolerance, acceptance, and the realization that suffering is a common human experience, not a punishment. He concludes by reminding us that while adversity is challenging, it is also impermanent and a part of everyone’s ‘curriculum’ in life.

The Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu engage in discussion about death, illness, and the transient nature of life, using both personal anecdotes and humor to illustrate their perspectives. The conversation begins with the Dalai Lama discussing Tibetan sayings about adversity, emphasizing that even tragic situations can be opportunities for growth. He points out how people who have lived through hardships, like the Archbishop, truly appreciate joys such as freedom, which others might take for granted.

Archbishop Tutu shares his personal experiences with life-threatening illnesses, including polio and tuberculosis. He describes a sense of peace he felt when facing the possibility of death at a young age. This early confrontation with mortality gave him strength and perspective throughout his life. He reflects on the naturalness of death, noting, “Death is a fact of life. You are going to die” (161). He also discusses his plans for a simple funeral and cremation, emphasizing the importance of accepting death as a part of life. The Dalai Lama speaks about reincarnation and the uncertainty of where one might be reborn. Both leaders humorously discuss the idea of going to heaven or hell, with the Dalai Lama joking that he would prefer hell as it would give him the opportunity to help more people.

Regarding the fear of death, the Dalai Lama advises acceptance, stating that death is a normal part of life. He emphasizes the importance of making life meaningful and living with a sense of purpose. He recalls his escape from Tibet in 1959, a night filled with uncertainty and fear. He reflects on the Buddhist teachings of impermanence and interdependence, and how these concepts help in accepting the inevitability of death. Archbishop Tutu then delves deeper into the idea of finding meaning in suffering and adversity. He again cites Nelson Mandela’s transformation during his years in prison as an example of how suffering can lead to spiritual growth and greater compassion.

Both leaders agree that facing illness and the fear of death can be an opportunity for personal growth, spiritual deepening, and an increased appreciation for life. The Dalai Lama concludes with a focus on living a life of purpose and helping others, suggesting that this approach alleviates the fear of death and contributes to a fulfilling life.

The Dalai Lama invites Archbishop Desmond Tutu into his private residence in Dharamsala, a place typically closed to outsiders, signifying a rare privilege. This visit offers a glimpse into the personal spiritual space of the Dalai Lama, combining elements of modesty and sacredness.

The residence, while modest in appearance, is filled with religious artifacts, including thangkas (Tibetan Buddhist paintings) and sacred texts. A notable feature is a revered seventh-century sandalwood statue of the Buddha, known as “Kyirong Jowo.” This cherished statue was originally one of a pair, the other of which was lost during Chinese invasion. The Dalai Lama shares an intriguing aspect of his daily ritual: He senses the statue’s facial expression change during his prayers, a detail he imparts with a sense of playful mystery.

The themes of meditation and prayer are detailed, illustrating the practices of these two spiritual leaders. The Dalai Lama describes his meditation on the process of dying, a Buddhist practice that prepares one for death by visualizing the dissolution of consciousness. He humorously remarks on his readiness for actual death due to this regular practice, yet he admits uncertainty about its effectiveness in the final moment.

Archbishop Tutu, discussing his own contemplations on death, reflects on past near-death experiences and the peace he found in his Christian faith. He anticipates a richer life after death, meeting loved ones and revered religious figures. The Dalai Lama jokes about the Chinese government’s claim that they will be the ones to locate his next reincarnation. He says he would prefer that Archbishop Tutu himself carry out the search.

The Dalai Lama partakes in the Christian Eucharist with Archbishop Tutu. This scene symbolizes a respect and blending of their different spiritual traditions, emphasizing their shared message of universal compassion and interconnectedness. As they depart the Dalai Lama‘s residence, they discuss security concerns, and the Dalai Lama expresses his gratitude for the protection provided by his status as a long-term guest of the Indian government.