The Impossible Knife of Memory

Gracie appears at Hayley’s house, asking to sleep over because she does not want to be alone with her mom. Hayley says it is not a good idea but agrees to sleep at Gracie’s house instead. They bake cookies, and Gracie goes upstairs to argue on the phone with her boyfriend. Hayley thinks about all the places Gracie has taken her and all stories she has told Hayley about their childhood. Hayley, who does not remember much of it, thinks it is “like listening to a fairy tale or the life story of a total stranger” (177). She looks at a picture of Gracie as a child and has flashbacks about her grandma, admitting she is “forgetting how to not-remember” (178). They watch movies, and Hayley takes one of Gracie’s pills.

This chapter recounts a memory from Andy’s point of view. He is drinking tea with his men. People scream as a large sandstorm approaches. He watches a young girl with a limp get taken by the storm.

Gracie and her mom leave for church in the morning. Hayley waits until their car leaves and then goes back inside their house. She goes into Gracie’s mom’s bathroom and examines her different pills. She thinks about how her dad “swallowed pills to make the hurt go away” (184). She holds some pills and looks at herself in the mirror, watching her face change and disappear. She puts the pills back and leaves Gracie’s house “before [she] turned into someone [she] didn’t want to know” (185).

At home, Hayley gets upset when her dad acts like nothing happened with Finn. Upon confronting him, she realizes he does not remember it because of how drunk he was. She tells him what happened, saying it is “a really bad sign” (187) that he blacked out. Andy, however, does not think it is a problem.

Hayley looks for food in the near-empty cabinets and goes through the unopened mail. She finds a letter to her from Roy. He writes, “I know it’s not fair, but you have to be the strong one” (189). Hayley watches a football game with her dad, feeling like things will not change.

Hayley has a bad day at school and does not see Finn. She thinks that Finn never liked her. She gets on the bus and muses about how she is starting to understand “the secrets inside the lies wrapped in the bullshit” (193) from her dad. Finn appears and sits next to her. He apologizes and assures Hayley that he likes her a lot. Hayley kisses him and feels safe.

Hayley describes “That” feeling of liking Finn. She decides she likes “That” (195).

At home, Andy is in a good mood and asks Hayley to get in his truck. On their drive, he tells her that his old friend Tom gave him some painting work. He shows Hayley the house he worked on that day. They play basketball and talk about school. Andy says he talked to Hayley’s guidance counselor; he knows she is having some issues at school. The basketball goes across the street, and when Hayley goes to get it, she sees her dad buy drugs from his old high school friend Michael.

Finn invites Hayley to tour a college with him. He pulls over on their drive, revealing that he feels bad because he made his mom cry during an argument that morning. He does not want to go to this college. Hayley convinces him to drive to his dream school, Swevenbury, instead. On the pristine campus, Finn is in a bad mood because he thinks he will never be able to go there. Hayley tells him to “stop whining” (206). They walk around campus, and Hayley encourages him to talk to someone in the admissions office. She looks up the admission application on her phone but gets angry at the questions, which require her to discuss her family and personal development. She wonders, “Who wrote these things? What the hell did they have to do with how smart a person was or how ready she might be for college?” (210).

It is October 31, and everyone at school is dressed in costume except Hayley, who did not realize it was Halloween. She gets called to meet with Ms. Benedetti, who says she met with Mr. Cleveland, Hayley’s math teacher. Mr. Cleveland is concerned because Hayley is not doing better in class despite having a tutor. Hayley asks Ms. Benedetti if she told her dad that she talked to Trish. Ms. Benedetti says no, but they did discuss her “father’s unconventional approach to [her] homeschooling” (216).

Gracie helps Hayley make a costume out of things they find in Hayley’s basement. Hayley tells her dad that they will be safe trick-or-treating. He asks where cleaning supplies are, saying a friend is joining him for dinner. When Gracie asks if he has a date, he says maybe. Hayley worries that it is with a “piece of trash” (221) Michael set him up with.

Hayley, Gracie, Finn, Topher, and Gracie’s younger brother go trick-or-treating. It is windy and cold, and Hayley is dressed as the goddess Athena in owl form. Topher wants to go to a party at the quarry, but Gracie says no. Hayley and Finn kiss in secret throughout the night. He begs Hayley to get some sweatpants to warm up, so they walk to her house.

Hayley walks into her house to find her dad laughing and eating a romantic dinner with Trish. Angry, Hayley asks why Trish is there and tells her to leave. Finn comes in the house because he hears the yelling. Finn and Trish introduce themselves to each other. Hayley yells at everyone to stop talking, and Andy grabs her. This is the first time he has grabbed her instead of Trish, with whom he used to get into physical fights. Finn tries to help Hayley, and Andy grabs him too. Trish stands in the middle, begging Andy to stop. He sits down and tells Hayley to leave.

Hayley goes to her room and packs clothes and all her money into her backpack. She is furious and wants to scream. When she leaves, she slams the door, “hoping that it [will] make the roof cave in” (232).

Finn chases Hayley down the driveway. She is not going to Gracie’s house but to the bus station. She is panicking because she thinks something terrible will happen now that Trish is back. She tells Finn to let her go, but he follows her. After walking for a while, they kiss, and Hayley does not “feel lost” (235) anymore. Finn says he will make her breakfast in the morning and then take her to a bus station.

Andy describes how he would watch men die through night vision goggles. He “still believe[s] in honor, but sand plugs [his] heart” (235). He drinks to forget yet never does.

Finn takes Hayley to his house. She has flashbacks of nice things Trish used to do for her as a child. She asks Finn for some vodka. He pours her some, but she decides not to drink it. She worries about what Trish wants from her dad. Finn makes her breakfast, and Gracie and Topher show up.