Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World

As in previous chapters, Murthy relies on anecdotes to engage readers and segue to his larger claims and arguments. For example, he begins Chapter 3 with an anecdote about an Uber driver, an Ethiopian immigrant whose wife and children were still in Addis Ababa. The anecdote serves as a point of departure for Murthy’s discussion of the cultural specificity of loneliness. Murthy argues that loneliness occurs when social experiences and social expectations misalign. Ethiopian culture stresses community: Working parents often leave their children in the care of family members and neighbors. The Ethiopian driver didn’t feel lonely, therefore, because he formed a community with other Ethiopian immigrants and because his wife and children were in the care of an extended social network. Murthy follows this anecdote a personal anecdote about traditional Indian culture, which similarly stresses community:

My parents described equally close-knit community networks when they told me about growing up in India. And when I used to stay at my great-grandmother’s house in Bangalore as a child, spontaneous drop-in visits from friends and extended family were daily occurrences. Most of the visitors lived nearby and, whether or not we were related to them, my sister and I were encouraged to call everyone ‘uncle’ and ‘aunty’. This made it seem as if we were all part of one enormous family (63-64).

This anecdote contrasts with the childhood loneliness Murthy describes in Chapter 2 after moving to a new neighborhood and further highlights the role of alignment between social expectations—what one is used to—and their actual social experiences.

Murthy argues that major societal changes contribute to the loneliness problem by creating further gaps between social expectations and experiences. For instance, he ascribes the increase in loneliness in part to accelerating migration, citing a report by the UN International Organization for Migration to highlight the scope of migration and displacement globally:

3.5 percent of the world’s total population, or 272 million people, lived outside their home countries in 2019 […] Another sixty-six million adults in 2015 planned to move permanently to another country within the next year for reasons that included religious and ethnic persecution, war, violence, and human rights violations. Climate change, too: eighteen million people in 135 countries were displaced in 2017 by weather-related disasters (123).

To illustrate the impacts of social change on loneliness, he focuses on the connection between loneliness and suicide. He points to transitional societies like South Korea, where the young move away to pursue careers, leaving behind elders who expected loyalty and care: “In South Korea, rates of suicide among the elderly more than quintupled from 1990 to 2009, and as of 2017, they remained the highest among industrialized nations” (124). In Chapter 4, he discusses his uncle Rajesh, who left his wife and children in India and pursue a career as an engineer in Miami, Florida. Rajesh struggled to integrate into American culture and spent most of his time alone; he died by suicide after losing his job. Murthy segues from Rajesh’s story to a report by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, which reveals that 54% of those who die by suicide have no diagnosis of mental illness and that nearly 800,000 people around the world died by suicide in 2016. Although suicide rates are decreasing globally, they are increasing in some countries, including the US: “The United States […] experienced a one-third increase in suicide mortality rates between 1999–2017 with rates being particularly high in rural areas, among men, and in certain refugee communities” (120). Murthy thus emphasizes that social connection—particularly among those from community-focused cultures—can prevent loneliness and thus save lives by lowering suicide rates, connecting loneliness to wider public health concerns.

Murthy also argues that strong social bonds mitigate the negative effects of various forms of childhood trauma, including domestic abuse and neglect. A study of childhood resilience in Kauai, Hawaii, for example, revealed that children who experienced poverty, abuse, or family discord but who also had strong social connections not only grew up to be “competent, confident, and caring” (163), but also “managed to marry and establish careers, and [become] devoted parents themselves” (163). In this way, Murthy directly connects social connection to resilience.

Chapter 5 echoes Murthy’s assertion in the Preface that loneliness is a “dark thread” woven through multiple public health concerns as he discusses different manifestations of loneliness and their societal impact. Murthy again grounds his arguments in research. In addressing the timeliness of his book, for instance, he cites a 2010 study from the University of Michigan, which found a nearly 40% drop in empathy scores among college students between 1979 and 2009, with the biggest drop dating to the 2000s. He argues that loneliness can manifest as alienation, sadness, and other emotions associated with antisocial behavior, such as withdrawal, indifference, and anger, citing an illustrative study: “when researchers planted the idea in subjects’ minds that they’d be alone in later life or that their fellow subjects had rejected them, [they] tended to react by lashing out or by deriding those they believed had rejected them” (147). Researchers have also found evidence of loneliness in the backgrounds of violent criminals, from mass shooters to serial killers. Loneliness also manifests differently in men and women. Men are socialized to internalize emotions, which fuels their loneliness. By contrast, women are socialized to connect, which leaves them feeling lonely when their relationships fail. Lonely people often turn to alcohol and other substances to numb their pain. The only way to address these social problems, Murthy argues, is to deal with the root cause: loneliness.

Murthy argues for Social Connections as an Antidote to Loneliness. He presents Anaheim as a model for fostering such connection. Civic leaders in Anaheim nurture individual uniqueness and promote a shared culture of kindness through programs that not only strengthen the city’s social fabric, but also set an example for other communities experiencing social concerns associated with loneliness and alienation. Murthy also identifies service as an important tool against loneliness. Service gives people a sense of purpose and meaning, both of which play a key role in social connectedness. Service also heals the trauma of loneliness: Researchers have found that the hypervigilance associated with loneliness is egocentric and leaves little room for empathy or concern for others. Studies by neuroscientists show that service shifts the brain’s response away from danger and the self. It creates “a sort of therapeutic state” and creates a sense of relief (156), which in turn eases encounters with others and promotes cooperation. As Murthy notes, however, caring about an issue is not enough, nor is simply joining a group: “The real therapeutic synergy occurs when we come together with others to take action to achieve a common goal” (156). Although online groups can help people connect, they are no replacement for the meaningful bonds people make during face-to-face interactions.