Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World

Chapter 8 is about fostering social connections in children. Human contact is central to children of all ages. However, societal changes have led to increases in childhood loneliness, the root cause of much adult depression, self-harm, and violence. Parents must model inclusive behavior and speak to their children about friendship and compassion. Parents must also support their children. Indeed, studies show that children with supportive parents are more socially adept and have higher self-esteem and fewer academic problems than children with aggressive or disengaged parents. Neighbors and other trusted adults can also foster social competence in children.

Middle school marks a change in how children learn. Rather than looking to their parents, children turn to their peers for information. Thus, peer-to-peer programs, such as Beyond Differences, a California-based nonprofit, are central to combatting social isolation in children. Beyond Differences teaches children how understand body language to make people feel included, accepted, and heard.

Technologies present new challenges for parents. Children are spending an increasing amount of time in front of screens and less time engaging in face-to-face interaction. Some experts view screen time as a danger to social development. However, experts at the National Programs and Outreach for the Child Mind Institute, an organization focusing on children with mental health problems, take a more nuanced view, arguing that the impact of screens varies from child to child. Technology can increase opportunities to relax and connect, especially for LGBTQ and other marginalized youths. Conversely, technology can harm children at risk for behavioral and mental health concerns. Parents must set reasonable boundaries for their children to allow them to connect with their peers, while preventing them from over-relying on devices. Murthy describes seven developmental boxes parents can “check” to ensure their children are getting the social contact they need: 1) High-quality relationships appropriate for one’s age, including face-to-face interaction; 2) Extracurriculars centered on personal interests; 3) Time with family; 4) Guided, supervised screen time shared with caregivers; 5) Unstructured leisure time; 6) Performing well at school; and 7) Habits and practices that contribute to basic wellness, including exercise, sleep, and nutrition.

Murthy notes that reducing conflict over screen time requires a multipronged approach. Parents must discuss appropriate and inappropriate online behavior, as well as model good behavior by putting down their devices during meals and family time. Summer camps can provide a break from digital distraction by allowing children to reconnect with their inner selves and encouraging face-to-face interactions.

Teaching children emotional fitness is also important. In 2005, the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence launched the RULER program, an acronym referring to recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing, and regulating emotions. The mission of RULER is to “improve the social climate by cultivating emotional awareness” (236). RULER addresses toxic environments by teaching social skills, which improves social confidence, classroom behavior, and academic performance. The program teaches kindness and empathy while reducing aggression. Other programs, such as We Dine Together, encourage children to seek out peers who are alone, engage them in conversation, and invite them to join the group at lunchtime. Murthy emphasizes that parents must also address their own loneliness to help their children. Many parents experience poverty, violence, and other stressors that foster isolation. Churches, the Salvation Army, and other community organizations can help parents who lack traditional support networks.