Waiting to Exhale

“I wish there was some way I could give him life imprisonment, because he needs to be stopped. He needs to suffer for a while, long enough for him to realize that a woman’s love is a privilege and not his right.”

Robin shares thoughts on Russell after she breaks up with him the first time, when she learns from an unnamed woman that he uses women to support himself. Robin’s thoughts illustrate The Long-Term Damage of Betrayal: That she holds herself in high regard is evident, but she adheres to this mindset inconsistently and backs when loneliness sets in and Russell comes back, looking for a warm place to land.

“It took years for Gloria to realize that she was going about this all wrong. Robin, who Gloria knew wasn’t the wisest person to take advice from, made a valid point: ‘You can’t buy a man’s love.’ But Gloria wanted to know what being in love felt like; she’d read about it in magazines, seen it on TV, heard Robin rant and rave about how good some man had made her feel and how Russell had made her toes curl. For a long time, Gloria waited for her toes to curl. But they never did. It finally got to the point where she got tired of waiting for love and divided all of her attention among God, hair, and her son.”

Gloria’s waiting to exhale is based on a desire to find the kind of romance that she sees in books and on television. However, Gloria has discovered that this kind of romance doesn’t exist for everyone and has given up on it, focusing on other aspects of her life. This expression shows Gloria’s acceptance that she may never experience the kind of love she craves and expresses why she is still single, why she focuses so intensely on her son, and why her business is so successful.

“As she wiped her feet on the doormat, she said out loud: ‘Since you want to start a new life, motherfucker, see what starting from scratch feels like.’”

Bernadine burns and then sells all of John’s belongings in the days after he leaves her. These belongings become symbolic not only of Bernadine’s anger toward John, but of everything he stole from her in the years they were married and the things he continues to attempt to steal as he hides his assets from the divorce lawyers. While Bernadine wants John to “start from scratch,” she is doing the same: She is no longer John’s wife—her primary identity for the past 11 years. Much of the novel follows her attempts to rediscover who she is and reclaim an identity outside of her marriage after John figuratively burns it all down.

“But now Gloria was thinking about Gloria. Wondering if she’d ever get a chance to welcome a man into her life. If she’d ever get a chance to say ‘I love you’ or if somebody would ever say it to her. She didn’t even want to think about the area between her legs.”

After learning that her son is not only sexually active, but quite active, Gloria falls into a sad mood as she considers the fact that she has never known romantic love in her life. Gloria has a full life between her son and her business, but nearing 40 without having had a man tell her that he loves deepens Gloria’s loneliness. Unlike Savannah and Robin, Gloria’s focus is not as much on sex or how a man can please her as it is on the romantic side of things—words, touches, and looks. This helps to explain her attraction to Marvin later in the novel, who courts her not through flirting or sexual advances, but through fixing things around her house and later, giving her CPR.

“While we waited for our food, we talked about how great it was that after twenty-seven years, Nelson Mandela had finally been released from prison yesterday. We spent an hour talking about apartheid in general, and then we lightened up the conversation and talked about how boring Denver was.”

McMillan uses current events contemporary to the novel to anchor the story in the timeline of 1990. In this case, Savannah mentions Nelson Mandela’s release from prison. This took place on February 11, 1990, and was an important event because Nelson Mandela had been a voice against apartheid in South Africa in the 1950s and 1960s. His imprisonment was viewed as an attempt by the minority white government to silence him and other Black voices. Nelson Mandela would go on to win the Nobel Peace Prize and be elected president of South Africa during the nation’s first free election.

“Look, Bernadine. Let’s not let this thing get any uglier than it already has, okay? I’ve already given you the house. I’ll pay whatever the court tells me to to make sure my kids are taken care of. But I’d be willing to give you three hundred thousand. Today. Cash. And we can be done with this whole thing.”

John reveals both how eager he is to exit his marriage and how little he understands how tightly Bernadine linked her identity to the marriage with this offer to buy her out. John not only undervalues Bernadine’s sacrifices, but he hides assets to make her feel as though her contribution to the marriage was insignificant. This moment motivates Bernadine to fight to uncover all of John’s assets and to get what she believes she is due from the dissolution of their marriage. Her later, much larger settlement symbolizes Bernadine’s fight for her worth.

“You’re waiting for a man to come along who’ll make you feel fireworks. And he may very well be out there. All I’m saying is that sometimes you have to work a little harder at starting the fire, and it may burn a whole lot longer.”

Touching on both the theme of betrayal, disappointments and expectations in relationships as well as Waiting to Exhale, or Holding One’s Breath Until Life Begins, Michael gives Robin this advice when she breaks up with him for not being the sexual partner she wants him to be. This is a sentiment that Robin will consider off and on throughout the novel, wondering why she can’t feel the same things for Michael that she feels for Russell, raising the question of how important sexual attraction is in a committed relationship. Michael suggests that Robin’s inability to love him is selfish and shallow, but at the end of the day, if she can’t feel passion for him, it wouldn’t be fair for either of them to attempt to engage in a committed relationship.

“It was a waste of time, because nobody ever showed interest in her. Only rarely did anyone ask her to dance, let alone what her name was. It was clear to her that as good as Robin and Savannah looked, they should at least catch somebody’s eye, but even they hadn’t. What’s the problem? Gloria wondered, as she turned out the light. Why are we all out here by ourselves? Are we just going to have to learn how to live the rest of our lives alone or make do with inferiors like Russell and John and maybe even the Michaels of the world?”

Gloria considers what the future might look like after a night at a social event didn’t turn out the way she hoped. Once again, McMillan touches on the idea that the protagonists are holding their breaths until life can truly begin. While at this point, they still assume that this will happen in the arms of a man, this passage captures a moment when that hope is fading, particularly for Gloria. Not only is she frustrated that men don’t pay any attention to her, but she is frightened by the fact that they also don’t pay attention to women she finds more attractive than herself. She catastrophizes as she determines that being alone or settling for an “inferior” are the only options.

“It was times like this when she understood how parents could really hurt their children. Also, at times like this, she wished Tarik had a father who lived under the same roof. She was tired of dealing with all this puberty and growing-up shit by herself. She should’ve had a man in this house a long time ago. Somebody who exerted authority much better than she did.”

Gloria’s frustration with her son exposes another side to her desire for a life partner. It’s not just about romance and companionship, but also a practical need for help raising her son. Gloria’s frustration touches upon traditional gender roles in the family in that she assumes only a man could be an authoritative presence. At the same time, while Gloria wishes for a consistent male influence for Tarik, she’s also expressing a desire to share her frustrations with someone, an important part of being in a committed relationship.

“Some of them accuse you of being too aggressive or get downright intimidated if you say more than three words to them. I guess they still think it’s the fifties, when a man was expected to make the first ‘move.’ But hell, if we had to hold our breath waiting for them to say something to us, we’d suffocate.”

Illustrating the themes of waiting to exhale and How Experience and Race Impact Relationship Expectations, Savannah complains about the way men respond when a woman makes the first move. Savannah is an independent woman who knows her own mind and isn’t afraid to approach a man, but men sometimes become intimidated and refuse her advances, which proves frustrating to her. Savannah’s observation about this behavior on the part of men shows how self-aware she is and touches on one of the reasons each of these professional women struggles with dating: Men find them intimidating.

“We want to continue to brainstorm in doing things that are of concern to and will benefit black women. Without us, there’ll be no future for our children, and without our children, there’ll be no future families. Now, we’ve talked about forming a job bank, which would serve as liaison between businesses and the black community. We’d like to establish a permanent senior citizens program, our own Big Brother/Big Sister Program, a day care center, and a mentoring program for inner-city kids.”

At a meeting of Black Women on the Move, a minor character discusses some of the outreach projects the organization does and why. This moment connects the fictional story of these four women with real-world issues affecting Black families in the early 1990s and in the present. McMillan is credited providing insight into a point of view that had been rarely explored in literature before—that of Black, middle-class professional women. Black Women on the Move represents the efforts of these women to use their voices and status to shape and improve their communities.

“I closed the door on him, but I could tell he was still standing there, because I didn’t hear him walk away. I wished he wouldn’t do that. When I finally heard his footsteps, I was relieved, in a way. But I have to admit I sat by that door for the longest time, waiting to hear them come back.”

Savannah sleeps with her former lover, even though she knows he is married, and regrets it. Unlike Robin, who would have not thought twice about letting Russell stay, or Bernadine, who purposely sought out a married man because it would reduce the complications of a love affair, Savannah feels that what she has done is wrong and attempts to rectify it. However, although she is a mature woman with a moral compass, there is still a part of her that wishes things were different. This moment gives insight into Savannah’s character, showing a woman with flaws, but who does her best to do the right thing.

“What has she done for you that I didn’t do? Why couldn’t you just tell me what I was doing wrong, and I could’ve fixed it. What was wrong with me, Russell? Huh? What?”

Robin’s thoughts after learning that Russell married Carolyn showcase the self-doubt and the hit to one’s self-esteem that can follow a breakup or other relationship issues, touching again on the theme of betrayal, disappointments, and expectations in relationships. Robin allows Russell’s actions to impact how she feels about herself, laying the blame on herself, when in reality Russell’s actions are his fault, not hers. Russell uses women to get what he wants, and the fact that he married Carolyn shows that he will go to any extreme to keep a woman happy enough to keep providing for him, even marry her.

“She sat there smiling, replaying the past night in her head for hours. It didn’t matter if she never saw him again in life. It didn’t matter at all. She was alive again.”

Bernadine has a one-night stand with a lawyer from Virginia that changes her entire perception of love. Touching on the theme of waiting to exhale, Bernadine has been struggling to find her identity again outside of her marriage. When she meets a man who shares an intense intimacy with her and shows her what romance can truly be, it allows her to understand that she is desirable, capable of love, and able to be herself. These are all the things John took from her, and getting them back makes her feel alive again.

“She was trying to be as poised as she possibly could. Something told her he was watching her, so she turned around to see if she was right, and sure enough, there he was, still standing in the doorway, waving at her. She waved back, tickled as she wanted to be, because no man had ever waited to watch her cross a street before, no man had ever volunteered to fix anything for her, and no man had ever made her feel this giddy. Gloria liked the feeling.”

Gloria has already admitted to having never been in a relationship, so when Marvin watches her cross the street, she is overwhelmed by the newness of it all. Gloria is new to flirtation and feeling desired, and Marvin’s actions make her feel seen and wanted in an unfamiliar way, sparking feelings of delight. This innocent side of Gloria showcases a part of her personality that contrasts with her defeated nature earlier in the novel.

“Wait a minute! Hold it! Don’t be so stupid, Robin. She was probably crying on his shoulder or something, being melodramatic. Begging him to come back. That’s why his shirt smells like this. Could he help it if she got close to him? She probably did this on purpose, knowing I’d smell it when he got home. That’s I’d be pissed off and maybe he’d go running back to Her. Well, I wasn’t falling into her trap.”

Robin convinces herself that Russell is being faithful to her even as all the signs point in the other direction, illustrating her tendency to second-guess her first instincts and seek validation for what she wishes was true. Touching again on the theme of betrayals, disappointments, and expectations in relationships, Robin reveals that she is willing to ignore the obvious signs that Russell is not honest or faithful. Robin goes to great lengths to convince herself that Carolyn is setting a “trap” for her, rather than accepting the simpler explanation.

“When a man saw you in a crowd, smiled at you, flirted, and came over and talked to you. No one has asked me for my phone number since I’ve been here. Why not? There’s nothing wrong with me. Shit, I’m smart, I’m attractive, I’m educated, and my pussy’s good, if I do say so myself. What happened to all the aggressive men? The ones that aren’t scared to talk to you? Where the fuck are they hiding?”

Savannah expresses frustration with men while attending Gloria’s birthday celebration. Savannah struggles to find a man who isn’t intimidated by her success and independence. There is frustration in Savannah’s words, but it also shows a little of her character in that she doesn’t blame herself for her failure to find love the way Robin does. Still, she doesn’t understand why men don’t pursue her given her attributes.

“She’d been trying not to think about John and Kathleen all week long. The idea that he was married to somebody else bothered her. It wasn’t that she still loved him. Because she didn’t. It wasn’t that she was jealous. She wasn’t. It was just…it was just that he’d always been her husband and now he was somebody else’s. And here she was, on a rainy day, all by herself.”

Bernadine’s thoughts on John’s marriage to Kathleen go again to the idea of identity. Bernadine lost her identity when she married John and took on the identity of his wife, and then she lost that identity when he divorced her. Now that John has a new wife, Bernadine is trying to figure out who she is when her identity is altered once more by the marriage of John and Kathleen. This time, however, it is easier for Bernadine to recover because she has reforged her identity as a single woman in the months since John left.

“I can’t afford to do this shit anymore. It costs too much. And besides, being lonely has never made me feel this damn bad.”

After a torrid affair in Las Vegas, Savannah is heartbroken when the man doesn’t call her and makes it clear that he isn’t interested in continuing the relationship. Savannah shows maturity in the fact that she doesn’t bash all men for Charles’s behavior, but she does conclude that she’s better off alone than she is with men like Charles. This event will lead Savannah to ending her relationship with Kenneth and asking her mother to stop pressuring her to get married, two things that make her life easier and allow her to heal.

“This was the kind of night for people in love, Gloria thought. A quiet night. A still night. The kind of night when you should drink a glass of wine, take a hot bath, lie across the bed, and roll over on each other. But Gloria knew she’d probably never get a chance to do anything like that. She knew she’d locked herself inside an emotional prison, had done a fine job of building a wall around herself. And although she didn’t know how to, Gloria wanted to get out of it.”

Gloria is self-aware, and her thoughts about love show her awareness that she has made herself emotionally unavailable. These thoughts on how she wants to free herself show that she is still hopeful, a fact that is probably connected to Marvin. Gloria’s thoughts touch on the theme of waiting to exhale and reveal that she is ready to stop waiting for life to begin. While she’s not sure how to change her life, she doesn’t have to decide: Gloria experiences a heart attack after she has these thoughts, which leads her to a new path and a new excitement for life.

“I am thirty-seven years old, Mama. And I’m tired of listening to you tell me what I’m not doing right or what you think I should be doing. And more than anything, I’m really sick and tired of you asking me about the men in my life. I don’t have any! Okay? And you know what? I don’t give a shit!”

After years of pressure from both her mother and sister to get married and have a family, Savannah finally stands up to her mother, showing that she has learned that having a man isn’t everything and she is learning to love herself. Savannah’s mother surprises her by apologizing and admitting that Savannah is right. This is the beginning of Savannah’s move toward letting her breath out, touching on the theme of waiting to exhale.

“Gloria smiled and looked around the room one more time before she closed her eyes. Everybody she loved was here.”

After having a heart attack and spending much of the book feeling as though there is no one in her life that she will ever love, Gloria finds herself surrounded by love in the hospital. While Gloria desires a romantic relationship, her heart attack leaves her in a place to appreciate the love she has outside of romance. Gloria has good friends and her son, relationships that have fulfilled a place in Gloria’s heart for a long time. She also has a budding romantic relationship with Marvin, a source of hope for the future.

“And this baby I’m carrying. I’m keeping it. Russell can do whatever he wants to do. But I’m keeping it.”

Robin has finally gotten something she wanted: a child. This pregnancy has been foreshadowed from the beginning of the novel on the many occasions when Robin sleeps with Russell without using protection. Her decision to have the child, with or without Russell, shows a desire to take charge of her own future, even if it’s different from the one she thought she wanted.